Becoming An Effective Christian Part 5: First Understand, Then Be Understood

Mutual Understanding

 If  you were recording the sound of beauty, what sound would you use and why?

Most of us would agree that people are communicating more now than at any other time in history. Technology has made it possible for people to stay in touch through many different means. Unfortunately, all the telecommunication devices in the world will never be a substitute for face -to-face communication. In order for us to become more effective Christians and impact the lives of others, we need to develop the 5th habit of mutual understanding that can only come through one-on -one contact with another soul.

We must first seek to understand, then to be un derstood. (Rom 12:10) It is human nature to listen all the while thinking of a response instead of trying to understand. (prov 18:2) If you want someone to take your advice and follow it, if you want to be able to influence a person, they must first know that you understand them. Advice won't do a person any good if you have not addressed the root of their problem. This is why understanding them first from their point of view (instead of your own) is so important. Understanding is not necessarily agreeing with a person, but it is perceiving their emotions and intellect. It is genuinely looking out for their welfare, it is being considerate. (phil 2:2-4)

Only 10% of communication is words. That means that 90% of communication is non-verbal. This is why true understanding takes more than just listening to words, it requires our eyes, our ears and our heart. You use your eyes to read what a person is saying through their body language. Your ears will hear words, but your heat will listen for the emotion being expressed through their tone of voice. (Jas 1:19--20)

The people of Israel had a real problem with communicating with God's prophets and first seeking to understand. God warned Isaiah about the communication issues he would face when speaking to the Israelites. (isa 6:9-10) They would hear only with their ears, and the words would go in one ear and out the other. They did not care to truly see or understand with their heart the words that God was speaking to them. If they had first tried to hear with their ears, see with their eyes and understand with their heart, they  could have been healed. 

there are skills to understanding what another person is trying to communicate. First, you rephrase. Repeat the meaning of what the other person said in your own words. Keep in mind that you are not repeating their words, but you are rephrasing the meaning of their words. This way you attempt to see things from their point of view instead of trying to make what they say fit into your own experiences and knowledge. This is the beginning of understand another.

Second, use your eyes, ears and heart to concentrate on how the other person feels about what they are saying and then reflect that feeling in words. Do their words reflect worry or concern? you may say something like, "You seem worried." This is called "reflecting feeling." 

Finally, ask questions that will help you gain more understanding, but will not make a person thin you are probing. Things like, "Is this what's bothering you? Anything else?"  Or, after rephrasing meaning and reflecting feeling, ask "is that right?" Questions can help to clarify and can aid in reaching understanding. When you truly understand another person's int rests, needs, concerns or priorities, then they will be open to your counsel, advice or ideas.

Next, you must know how to be understood. It takes more than just getting something "off your chest" to be understood. (Prov. 12:18) Your character, and your behavior that stems from your character, will cause others to either trust or distrust you. You're credibility is very important when you want others to understand you and to be influenced by you. 

It takes courage to be undertood. In order to be understood, you must first verbalize the other person's needs or concerns. Say things like, "Here is what I think you want..." THen you can clearly present your ideas, concerns or advice based on the context of the understanding you've gained in seeking first to understand. 

Do you really want to impact the world around you? People's needs will only be met when you understand them and where they are coming from. Your thoughts will only be relevant to others when they trust you and you have communicated clearly with them.  Mutual understanding  is the foundation for effective interpersonal relationships and the basis of the second commandment; to love our neighbors as ourselves. (Gal 6:2)

QUESTIONS: 

1. Why is it important to understand someone first before they can understand you? (if they feel you are brushing them off or their point is not important they will do the same to you, you need to understand the root of their problem, which is not always communicated in words, before you can give relevant advice....)

2. 90% of communication is non-verbal. Give some specific examples of non-verbal communication and what you think the non-verbal action is communicating? )crossed arms-suspicion, eye contact-confidence, hand on hips-readiness or anger, tapping -boredom, pacing-doubt, stroking arms- need reassurance, chewing on things -anxiety, rubbing back of neck - inner conflict...)

3. Think of a time when you felt understood. What did the other person say or do to make you feel this way?

4. What steps can you begin taking to improve a relationship where communication and understanding has not been very good?